Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
