Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
