this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
