if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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