just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
