So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
