hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
