I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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