i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Never let your siblings swipe right.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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