Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
