my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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