Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
