Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
