i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
