Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just saw a hot homeless man
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
