weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
