Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
