hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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