I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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