I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
