So drunk its hurt
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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