if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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