I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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