Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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