You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
