he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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