Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
