my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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