I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
