dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
