God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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