I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
