did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
