I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize