He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My life is pants optional.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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