i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
