hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
