My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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