The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize