i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she pinky promised me she was 18
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
