whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
