My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
