We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
