what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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