I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
