I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
