3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
