I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
