the condom got lost in my hair
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
