she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
