I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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