Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
