She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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