The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
