I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
